Where them trendz at?

This one's for you, Kelles Belles. Soon, I will learn to do a picture post.

I would be the kind of person that starts a blog about fashion that just complains about Vogue rather than offer practical advice. No more, though. It's time be where the action is. And the action is telling people what to wear in order to look awesome this fall. Here are my picks for the trends of the season. God, I love trite, fashion-y sentences like that.

A leathuh motorcycle jacket*

*(or, for those of you who didn't watch Stella on last season of Project Runway, leather.)

Since I'm a cheap gal and a friend to animals, I avoid authentic leather. However, I've discovered that when you look like a badass, no one is going to touch your jacket and sneer at its "man-made material" qualification. The runways for fall seemed to have two kinds of looks: "Don't fuck with me" and "Can I get a few more sequins on this? Thanks." A black "moto" jacket is the perfect complement to everything you already own. I favor pairing it with skinny jeans (I like to pretend that I'm a rock star, yes) and dresses. The latter combination will create an air of mystique wherever you go, because everyone will be questioning whether you're going to a nice dinner or a biker rally. It's all about versatility, people.

Don't feel like you have to spend loads of money on this, either. Get yourself to Target, where they're selling a fantastic version in grey and black for $29.99. Or, dedicate some time to flipping through the racks Goodwill. You'd be surprised by how many reformed leather daddies donate their old wardrobes to thrift stores.

Wide-leg trousers

As much as I love a good pair of tight-ass jeans, I adore the silhouette that a decent pair of trousers creates. Google images of Katharine Hepburn if you don't believe me. Wide-leg pants or jeans make you look taller, thinner, and allow you to eat every couple of days without bursting at the seams. If you're looking to take a break from the spandex skinnies, get into a pair of these. Old Navy and Gap are stocking this style--I find Old Navy fits poorly, so I'd invest in Gap. Trust me: if you find a decent pair of trousers, run with them (even if they cost more than you'd like). You'll get a ton of mileage out of this style.

Tranny shoes

From classy to trashy, just how I like it. I was ecstastic to see stripper shoes on the runway this season--from YSL to Gucci, all of the models were teetering on 6"-plus platforms, over-the-knee boots, and heels. Even though I'm an average height, I am a huge advocate of ridiculous heels. Yes, they'll fuck up your knees and back after awhile, but a fantastic pair of heels will save any outfit. Just learn how to walk in them. Honestly, a half-hour spent traipsing around your room in them will save you from looking like you've got a bowling ball between your legs when you take them out on the town. Even if you're six feet tall, I'd give this trashiness a try. Recently, I found the best website ever for cheap-ass shoes: gojane.com. They rip-off designer styles and most of their heels cost less than $20. Time to start struttin'.

Shape

What a ridiculous trend title. It's like saying "color" is back and better than ever (which, actually, it is). But, nearly every single designer focused on two things this season: exagerrating the form of the body, or accentuating it. Blame it on the '80s revival and Mad Men, respectively. I've already lauded Balmain and their use of the strong shoulder. Oddly enough, the sculptural look has descended to the hips as well. Unless you're a model, I wouldn't recommend the dresses with built-in hips that Thierry Mulger recently showed. But, a jacket with shoulder pads creates a cinched waistline without corseting yourself with a belt. Don't worry, you won't look like a dated secretary.

As far as the Mad Men side of things are concerned, thank God for Joan Holloway (played by Christina Hawkins). She single-handedly made boobs and hips attractive again, and designers are showing more flattering shapes (even if they are still on boyishly thin models). So, what does this mean for your wardrobe? NO MORE SACK DRESSES. Honestly. I don't care what kind of shape your body is in--it will always look better if you show off the goods that you do have. Pencil skirts, fitted blouses, and wrap dresses work wonders for easing a person into the world of body-conscious dressing--all of which can be found at anywhere from Wal-Mart to H&M to Forever 21.

Denim shirts

Buffalo plaid shirts may have been all the rage last fall, but denim shirts are the thing to steal from boys' closets now. The key to this style is, as one might guess, not trying to play the "Let's Match Denims!" game. Keep the denim shirt in a light tone, and pair it with a black jean, or at the very least, a dark blue. And to make sure that you don't look like you're about to go paint a house, make sure it's rather fitted. No need to look like a denim hussy, but now is not the time to borrow your Dad's XL number and call it stylish. The boys section of any thrift store is an interesting place to start, but if you've got some money to spend, splurge on American Eagle's flattering version--available online and in stores.

The new cleavage

Yes. There is honestly "the new cleavage." I love the fashion world. It's time to go backless, ladies. Check out Hilary Swank's 2005 Oscar dress for an example in how incredibly chic one can look when covering up the front. This doesn't just apply to gowns, though. Shirts and day dresses have begun to follow suit. In a season where trannies and rocker bitches ruled, there was an underlying mystique to a few dresses. They look simple from the front, but you turn the corner and BAM. Interest in the back. What a terrible sentence, but that's the best description I've got. The best thing about this trend? You don't need to buy it. I've taken to wearing my dresses and shirts backwards, and have achieved the same effect. Cut off the tags, and no one's the wiser. Also, this leads to interesting new takes on accessories--if you need more "interest" in your behind (there it goes again...), trail a long pendant necklace down your back.

Honorable mentions? The classic khaki trench (for when you need to be an alluring detective), matte nail polish, sequins on everything, velvet and lace details, and huge statement necklaces. And of course, what post would be complete without a warning of the trends to avoid? Stay away from harem pants, jumpsuits, denim leggings, and motorcycle ankle boots. You'll be doing yourself a favor.