What to Wear When...

I was peeking at my past posts (and dying to form an alliterative sentence...) when I realized that I've been a bit heavy on the porn references lately. So, to keep it clean, and to keep you all coming back for more, more, more, I've decided to start a series called "What to Wear When..." Basically, this is just an excuse for me to live out my fantasies of dressing like a lawyer/Food Network chef/anyone with a career, really.

Why do I have to live out these fantasies? Because up until a week ago, my current "career" allowed me to wear anything I wanted. Or nothing at all. This isn't leading to joke about working the corner, I promise. Nay, I live the life of a "remote worker," meaning that I work from my room on a laptop my company gave me. For someone who loves dressing up, and who loves dressing up to show said outfits to other people, this was a death sentence. There are only so many times my mom can compliment me before I feel like she's just phoning it in (love you, Ma!).

Anywho, as someone who's looking to go to grad school next year, I needed more monies than I was currently making. So, after a couple months of failed 2nd job searches, I acted on a fantastic tip from a super-helpful friend and walked into a restaurant, filled out an application, and was hired on the spot to be a hostess. Which means that I FINALLY have an excuse to get all gussied up. And find comfortable shoes. Really comfortable shoes.

So, we're kicking off What to Wear When... not with lawyer garb or hooker wear, but with the restaurant industry in mind! Without further ado, here is the only outfit you should wear when hostess-ing. Seriously. I've worked four shifts, so I think I'm a pretty solid authority.

This.

With these.

These.

And any or all of these things.

The biggest thing here is, obviously, pulled-together comfort. Since I'm a literal gal, nothing says "pulled-together" to me like a wrap dress. You've turned yourself into a lovely package the moment you put it on! The leggings can be swapped out for tights (you creative thing, you!), but the supportive flats are non-negotiable. Yeah, they're expensive. Get over it. I think the cheapest supportive flats one can find are about $30-40. Naturalizer and Aerosoles are fantastic resources, in addition to Tsubo. If you're against spending money on good shoes, stand for six hours in crappy shoes. Your dogs will be barkin'. And don't be that person that thinks they can wear heels during your shift. You'll eventually get bunions and won't be physically able to shove your calloused foot into your adorable shoes.

Accessories are a must, and serve two purposes. 1) They give you something to fidget with and 2) They're conversation starters. Who wouldn't want to be greeted by someone wearing a panda ring and a cool scarf? Also, I feel like I might get more tips if I wear more feathers in my hair. There's no real logic behind that, besides the fact that I'll take any excuse I can come up with to wear more feathers.

SHOE PORN

(photo from Shoelust. Where else would these come from?)

I feel like these Dsquared boots really give a new meaning to the term "orthopedic shoes."

Arts and Crafts: NSFW Edition

Today, I started working on a new scarf. As I do with almost any creative task I undertake, I had some high-falutin' inspirational thought that quickly had to be downsized to fit my budget/talent level/patience level.

For example, I wanted to make this current scarf after seeing this pair of Rodarte tights. I think they're about two seasons old, so it makes sense that I'm finding them now and feeling like I've single-handedly discovered gold. Anyway, I loved the whole spiderweb feel of them, so I was all "Awesome! Let's buy me some black yarn and get to it! One day, I'll have my very own line called Vincente!" About 20 minutes after this epiphany, I realized that you can really only get the spiderweb look if you knit (The cool older sister of crocheting. Since it's cool, I obviously cannot do it.) "That's OK," I thought. "I'll just buy a really huge crochet hook for the whole open-weave effect, and it'll look EVEN BETTER THAN KNITTING."

Guys. That's a terribly optimistic thought, and very out-of-character for me. Still, I marched over to the fabric store to buy the necessary supplies. I headed down the needle/hook aisle, and started perusing the sizes. I bought the biggest one imaginable, which I thought at first (GROSS ALERT) looked like the world's biggest tampon. "No matter!", said I. "I'm a lady, and am used to holding lots of tampons! Let's do this shit!"

GUYS. I brought it home and started attempting to use it, and it's a joke. Crafters say that one of the positives of using a larger crochet hook is the "quick and easy satisfaction" one recieves from it, since it takes about half as long to crochet something when you've got a big-ass tool. Too bad the only "quick and easy satisfaction" I think of when using it comes from the fact that no, it doesn't look like a jumbo tampon, but rather this vibrator. Now, I get a nasty case of the middle-school giggles when I look at my massive blue crochet hook too often.

That being said, I'm totally sold on gargantuan hooks. I've only been crocheting now for about 15 minutes, and am a fourth of the way done with this very conceptual spiderweb scarf. And by "very conceptual," I mean "is black, has big stitches that look nothing like spiderwebs, and is nowhere near cool enough for the upcoming Vincente collection. But hell, I crocheted it with a sex toy look-a-like. That's worth a lot in my book."

Project Successful-Way

I wanted to call this "Project FunWay!", but that sounds odd. Project Successful-Way sounds far more natural.

Aight, so I know that this is the second post of the day. Nay, not just the second post of the day, but the second post about the OSCARS. Cut me some slack, friends. For me, the Oscars telecast is as fun as a birthday party held in a bowling alley. SO FUN. Like a bowling alley b-day bash, I look forward to it all year.

Back on track. It took Michelle LeD's (forgive me for doing that to your name, dear), comment on the last post to make me realize that HOLY CRAP, I didn't write about Meryl Streep's dress. Somehow, the world is still rotating on its axis, but in case the cosmos notice my absent commentary, I'm here to remedy that now. Lady Streep looked diviiiiiiine. I mean, OK...she didn't really do anything different, per say, but the name "Meryl" is synonomous with "So talented! But almost always looks like a hot mess at award shows. God bless her." So, the fact that she showed up in something age-appropriate (yay for covered arms and classy clevage!), slightly daring (ooo, all-white! Lookin' like a classy cast member of Dynasty!", and fun (A zebra-motif cuff! A Swarovski crystal bag with a built-in handle!" is worth way more than an Oscar to that woman.

But the real cool thing? Her dress was a Chris March design! Remember, that guy from Project Runway (Season 4) that always finished his designs early so that he could nap? It turns out that he's one of the more successful (read: working) designers from the show. Congratulations, Chris!

"If fashion were porn, this dress would be the money shot."

(photo from HuffPo)

That quote basically sums up why I love Gabourey Sidibe. Girlfriend is sassy, cleverly descriptive, and unafraid to compare fashion to bodily fluids to help us understand how awesome she looks.

When it comes down to it, I don't really care all that much about the actual Oscars ceremony.

Sidenote: Except when a female director wins. I LOVE YOU KATHRYN BIGELOW!

It should come as no surprise that I'm all about the pre-show for the fashions and for Ryan Seacrest's pained interactions with stars who pretend to like him for approximately two minutes.

Sidenote, part deux: How hard is it to ask the ladies who they're wearing, Ry Guy? That's your only real job! Stop asking what they ate for breakfast. No one cares that you think Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal shared a Pop-Tart.

When it comes to frocks of the night, I've going with Sandra Bullock in Marchesa for the win. Freakin' stunning. I die all the time for that vintage, slinky silhouette, and I enjoyed the fact that her chest was covered with diamonds. It made her stand out in the sea of women who apparently decided to boycott necklaces. Though I have to give a quick "You're my style hero!" nod to Carey Mulligan. She's precious! I just want to pinch her adorable, avant-garde cheeks! Her Prada gown was unique without being too "unique," and those earrings were gorgeous. Even though she does look better with dark hair, I applaud her for taking risks and nailing them approximately 95% of the time. Now I just hope that she's in lots of more movies that mainstream audiences love so that I can continue admiring her from afar.

Cherry Blossom Girl

If you don't live in Chicago or on the East Coast, this post may not mean as much to you. For my fellow winter warriors, I think it's safe to say that we've now entered the "No, seriously. WINTER MUST END NOW" phase of the seemingly endless season. Once March hits, we're only 20 days away from the meterological spring, which means that on March 1, I fully expect to be able to walk around looking like an extra from Beach Blanket Bingo. What can I say? Patience isn't one of my many virtues.

It also doesn't help that there are places in the U.S. right now that have flowers blooming. Legit blossoms that scent the air. What does Chicago have? BARREN TREES. SNOW. AND UGLY COATS. So, if I can't be in a place that smells like freakin' cherry blossoms, I can at least look like a freakin' cherry blossom. By wearing this dress (even if it is out of stock. FANTASY, PEOPLE.) Or this number. Maybe this one?

OK, maybe not the last one. But in case I ever want to look like a luxe condom, I'll have that option.

Mantra.

I'm fully aware that at times, my blog relies a little too much on the "OMG LOOK AT A PICTURE OF THIS RIDICULOUS ITEM!" template. On the other hand, I say "bitch, please!" to that awareness and offer up this stunner of a necklace. It's off of a website called Girl Props, which is as awesome as it sounds. It's where I got my wonderful two-finger peacock ring this past summer. They've been good to me. Normally, I rely on them for cheap jewelry that actually looks cheap, but this "statement necklace" is an astounding $50.

Then again, $50 is a small price to pay for a necklace that from far away looks like a nice gold choker, but up close, tells it like it is. Time to get savin'.