What to wear when cast in "A Midsummer Night's Dream"

Seriously. Goat booties. That have your heel balancing on a GUN. Sometimes, I think that when I layer a pair of lace tights over opaque-colored ones, I'm being creative and provocative. But now I understand that until I blur the lines between animal and man in my style, I'm basically worth nothing. Thanks for the clarification, Iris Schieferstein!

Golly gee, I blog a lot.

Whatevs. I also shorten my words way more than necessary. Anyway, this will be a short, yet crucial post. Remember when I wrote about GaGa's opening band, Semi-Precious Weapons? I feel like mere words didn't do them justice. So, here are two Google images that hopefully help to explain why I'm a little bit in love with them.

Get over the fact that he's doing the splits in the first picture, and check out dem boots! Amazing. And, who else loves his tulle collar in the above photo? Yes, as I mentioned, he is lookin' like a poor man's version of Kevin Barnes. But, since the band hasn't "made it" quite yet...he sort of is a poor man. Mark my words--in two years' time, he'll be riding faux unicorns during shows just like Mr. B.

Victoria Jones, you're my American idol.

God, I would love to find out that this Victoria Jones lady that I'm praising is actually British or something RIDICULOUS like that.

I don't think it comes as any kind of shock that I'm positively in love with ridiculously sparkly sweaters. I extolled their virtues in a previous post about House of Vintage in Portland, and subsequent trips to my local Goodwill has only cemented my faith in their beauty.

Why do I like them? Why wouldn't I? When bought correctly, they're insanely gaudy (which removes the need for any extra accessorizing), their often massive size removes the need for pants (because every lazy designer knows that plus-size clothing is made all the more fashionable by throwing some SPARKLES on it), and they serve as a great conversation starter. Friends might say "Wow. Are you sure you don't want to change before we go out? No? OK, cool. I'm gonna walk on this other side of the street, and we'll meet up later." Old ladies might mention something about the "moxie" it takes to wear something like that. Sidenote: that would be my dream conversation.

This past Saturday, I was combing through the Goodwill racks when I came upon a gem of a sweater: an ivory turtleneck, size 3X, with legit crystals, beads, and sequins sewn to the front in a bastardized argyle pattern. However, it was sporting some massive stains and a questionable odor, so I walked away--not before checking the label, though. And that, my friends, is how I fell in love with Victoria Jones. You see, she's the designer of the "perfect sweater" as well--the House of Vintage one. The lovely frock you see in the upper right corner is a VJ original (makes it sound chicer that way), onsale at eBay. Obviously, SHE HAS SEEN INTO MY DREAMS and brought them to fruition. After looking through eBay offerings, I've realized that she is now my go-to gal for sparkle sweaters of any variety. I have no idea who she is as a person, though, which bugs me. Because if she were alive and still in fighting shape, I would commission her to design my tacky wardrobe for the rest of my life.

Last sidenote: thinking that I would be clever, I googled "addicted to sparkles," hoping to find a cutely-named disease that I could use as a title for this post. Instead, all I got were weird Twilight fan pages. STOP TAKING OVER MY LIFE, STEPHANIE MEYER.

...and her little monsters

I really like being a part of groups with great names. That's the main reason why I joined my college English honors society, Sigma Tau Delta. Because then I could tell people that I went to an STD conference with my straightest of faces.

So, when I found out that Miss Gags had taken to calling her fans "little monsters," I was beyond thrilled. Yes! That means she personally cares about me, right? Right. Because no one wants to dissapoint someone as amazing as the Lady, her fans came dressed to the elevens Friday night. Again, pictures? HELL TO THE NO.

Allow me to set the stage for you--for one of the first times in my life, I was underdressed. While wearing a thifted sparkly blazer and huge cocktail rings on nearly every finger. I may as well have been wearing "University of Pink" sweatpants and a Snuggie. Many ladies (and gents) did their best to copy her most infamous outfits, which means that I saw a lot of homemade geometric shapes taped to black catsuits, bows made out of hair, and tulle wrapped around heads. For the MASSES of girls who weren't feeling insanely creative, but still wanted to feel like they were going to a crazy concert, they chose sequins on top of sequins with some fake eyelashes thrown in for good measure. Seriously, if Forever 21 has any stock left after this past week/weekend, color me shocked. I've never seen so many sequined minidresses.

Sidenote to Project Runway contestants (JANUARY 15!)--don't do "avant-garde" or "directional" clothing. Go to Mood, buy all the sequined fabric you can afford, and make a collection of strapless, long-sleeved, or one-sleeved dresses. Michael Kors may not fawn over you, but you will be rolling in cash.

Since I was apparently feeling understated, it's no surprise that my favorite costume is one of her more tame ones. It's in the "Bad Romance" music video when she's standing in front of the mirror. She's wearing a black, long-sleeved bodysuit with sunglasses and a tall, spiky crown. This girl did a fantastic replica! The construction paper crown held up nicely, and she even exaggerrated her bodysuit (I've never typed that word so much) with some geometric shoulder pads on the outside of the garment.

That being said, the show/her fans was and were hugely inspiring. I may not be walking around with a disco stick in the grocery store, but I'd say the new year calls for some GaGa-inspired risks. I need to earn my title as a "little monster," dontcha know.

The GaGa...

I have seen the Lady in concert. That's right--this past Friday, Sanja, her lovely sister Sanda, and I trekked to the Rosemont Theatre to catch a glimpse of the legend. That glimpse was actually an incredibly satisfying 3+ hour concert experience. And of course, because I don't have to explain the musical merits of a gem like "Bad Romance," you best believe I'm here to write about the costumes.

SWEET JESUS, THE COSTUMES.

First of all, I have to give quick props (kids still say that, right?) to her first opening act, Semi-Precious Weapons. Their music is a little screamy for my tastes, but I'll be damned if they're not trying to set themselves up to be the next Of Montreal. The male lead singer has the greatest set of gams I've ever seen, and walks in heels far better than I ever will. Tie-dyed tights and sparkly silver ankle boots? I considered rushing the stage just to beg him to be my shopping buddy. Oh, and any band that sells a t-shirt declaring "I can't pay my rent, but I'm gorgeous" earns an A+ in my gradebook.

The main event? Guys. GUYS. She didn't dissapoint. I mean, at one point, she was wearing a metal cutout bikini with a gold viking helmet. She had her Where the Wild Things Are moment with a huge shaggy coat that was later discarded to show off a black leotard contraption. That's one of the best parts about her clothing--all of it is a kind of contraption.

Now, here's the thing about her costume choices that's going to get her into gender studies textbooks about 5 years from now: even though she's often running around onstage in bikinis or hot pants, she goes out of her way to not appear typically sexual. She's not humping the stage or her dancers; she's contorting her body like she's having a seizure, letting the dancers do whatever they want to her, and often letting those same dancers have the spotlight. It's fascinating, because she's said something to the same effect herself--that girls don't need to see any more female artists licking lollipops on album covers. GOD, she's perfect.

Was I good enough to get pictures of this? Of course not. Me? Take a photo instead of write numerous paragraphs? No thank you. I lost track of her costume changes after #7, but that's just because I was too busy trying to hear any faints strains of "RA-RA-RA-ROMAN."

One last thing: anyone who thinks she's not the next Madonna/a better version is cukoo-ka-choo. Half of the aforementioned bikinis featured cone bras. Oh, and Madge? THE LADY LOOKED WAY BETTER IN THEM.

23 years ago...yesterday

So, I've sort of failed and neglected to blog about my favorite gal Sanja. And with yesterday being her 23rd birthday, it would have been a wayyy better present than that pony I bought her. Ah well, here goes (tardy) nothing.

Even though I relentelessly make fun of her for wearing gold Ugg boots that Mariah Carey would covet and still harbor some resentment for the Blazy incident of '09, she is hands-down one of the most creative, stylish, and wonderful people that I know. As long as she's not wearing the aforementioned boots, she always looks more hip than me, and wears patent red ballet flats and purple hi-tops with equal amounts of class and style. So, a fashionable toast to the one, the only, Sanja V. Here's to finding you a gold jumpsuit to match those boots for your 24th birthday!

Dress to Impress!

That adorable little saying used to be in nearly every fashion magazine, and it's completely gone by the wayside--much to my chagrin. While this post may be more about dressing for one's gorgeous figure, that doesn't rhyme, so that title lost.



Anywho, I've got to say that this post is inspired by Amy Elisabeth Olson, of Fingers, Figures fame. We were hanging out the other night, and she was still wearing her "teacher clothes" from her work earlier in the day. She was sitting down, and I was all "oh, that's a nice look. A lilac button-down , a brown knee-length skirt, and brown tights. Cute." Then, she stood up, and I was all "WHOA. LOOK AT THAT 12-INCH WAIST. WHERE ON EARTH DID THAT COME FROM? DID SHE GET TALLER? LOOK AT THOSE BOOBS! CAN I STOP THINKING IN ALL CAPS YET?!" Once I composed myself, I offered some clumsy compliments and secretly vowed to make an example out of her.



I've always been aware of the oft-referenced concept of "dressing for your figure" instead of hiding under yards of fabric or stuffing your body into an ill-fitted pair of pants. But, it's only when I wear a dress with a nicely nipped-in waist or see a friend in a spectacularly fitted outfit that this concept hits home. Let's outline what worked about this outfit for Miss Olson's figure, shall we?



First of all, Amy's a petite lass. She's on the short size, slender, but still has a little bit of a shape--meaning that her waist measurement is smaller than that of her hips, and her chest isn't concave. In other words, she's got one of the more coveted body types for wearing vintage clothing. While isn't often difficult for the Chesty LaRue's of this world to wear button-down shirts without looking boxy, her's was just fitted enough, and the buttons didn't begin until right above her bust line. So she got to show a lil' peek of the girls without looking obscene.



Then, the skirt. Sigh. It was extremely simple, really. Just a brown pencil skirt. But it hit at the smallest part of her waist, making her look like she was a slim, yet super sexy secretary. Interestingly enough, it fell just below her kneecaps--which, as some of you may know, can be a hard length to wear well. Thanks to her choice of a heeled boot though, she elongated the leg rather than making it look stumpy. A stellar, and flattering outfit for work or slightly structured play.



The moral of this story? DEAR GOD, dress for the body you have. Not the body you think you'll have it you keep your 2010 resolution of running five miles every day and eating fruits and vegetables instead of cookies and chips, but the lovely one that you have now. Look in the mirror, and instead of saying what's bad about yourself, think about what you'd like to highlight. That butterfly tattoo on your bum? Invest in a pair of quality hot pants! Your collarbone? Wear a boatneck sweater. If you do this, I swear that I'll be thinking IN ALL CAPS about how great you look too.